When I moved into a
fancy Upper Eastside shoe box five years ago, I didn't dream I would
be living in a jungle. The place was small, but I took it anyway for
the sake of promising peace in a remote area. I don't mind facing the
backyard of a grayish high rise, as long as I'm spared construction
clatter. Taking fancy in writing, I condemn noise, and bitch and whine
about every passing fly when I'm engaged in the process of working or
napping.
I didn't realize how
blessed I was in the beginning, before my next-door neighbor, blonde
and drop-dead gorgeous, moved out. If my loyal doorman had not confided
to me that the new tenant was a Wall Street pro, I would swear she was
dabbling as a porn star.
Every night I would
awake from her daft screams; the endless heartbreaking howls. You know
that sound when someone is faking an orgasm and, taking it to the next
level, making it sincere with a vocal cord that gets higher and higher?
The climax was always followed by the slam of a closing door. For six
months I suffered sexual dreams covering my head with the pillow. After
9/11 the Wall Street porn queen quietly checked out.
My new neighbor, obese
and short, I welcomed with open arms. It took only a week to learn I
encountered a new hell. Her phone never stopped ringing, her outbursts
were much louder and more outrageous. If this Seal was not cursing on
the phone like a sailor, she was clapping her hands lewdly while laughing
or weeping. Sometimes all at once! I still have the nightmares of someone
screaming and clapping in the middle of the night.
There was another turn
over on my floor adding a skinny girl with a toy poodle. I love dogs
and especially poodles. I used to own a mid-sized black poodle myself,
but this particular one was a spoiled brat! It barked just to get on
your nerves. The poor thing was never taken out of 13D. As soon as
her anorexic mistress would enter the door the dog would bark hysterically.
Taking after her yappy mommy, it behaved like a crowned Jewish princess!
Weeks later, a young
Arabic girl moved into 13F with another little creature. My floor dwellers
nicknamed it, "the bastard dog". It had a distinguished bark that would
make your hair rise. I thought the toy poodle was a godsend compared
to this freak. Even the floppy-yappy royal ass filed complaints to stop
the ghastly barks. The dogs separated by doors collided heavily, creating
a war zone like the Gaza Strip.
I began thinking I
was living in a doghouse. When the obese seal clapped and the possessed
tykes growled, I ran for cover at Carl Schurz Park, finding refuge
on a bench near Gracie Mansion, the official residence of the Mayor
of New York.
In fact, I enjoyed
watching the lovely pooches playing in the park and their happy barks
didn't irritate me a bit, but kept me cheerful!
Once, my morning was
wrecked by a disturbing sound of passing thunder. And there was no lightning.
I realized the cause was not a storm. A newly arrived Elephant was
pacing to and fro, making my ceilings rock. My previous laments now seemed
like a joke compared to a new problem. Now I was to face a raging mammoth.
It was a stocky female in her early thirties who just moved above my
flat. By law 80% of the floors in my building are carpeted. In her case
the carpeting didn't work.
After six months of
suffering sleep depravation and sending hopeless notes to the building
office, I took matters into my own hands. I walked up the stairs
and rang the doorbell of 14 M, introducing myself to the Elephant in
a display of good will. I encouraged her to use her trunk and knock
at my door if she needed anything. I also pleaded for compassion how
much I needed sleep. The mammoth refused to cooperate, saying she was
free to do whatever she pleases on her premises. That included aerobics
and the occasional dumbbell droppings. This went on for years.
Suddenly a good thing
happened. Tired of the Middle East crisis with the snarling dogs from
both sides which mired her business, the obese Seal was determined to
take a hike. She clapped for the last time while loading her various
boxes of phone equipment into the elevator. I, too, clapped very hard
seeing her flip away.
For months the place
remained vacant and I relished every second of it.
But the welcome break
didn't last. There were major changes on the floor below my flat. Two
apartments were joined into one bringing a steady hammering. And speaking
of drilling! I would rather spend hours on a dental chair... The makeover
lasted forever! Once in the while I used to hear an infant cry
and hoped the baby no longer would be an issue at the end of the construction.
When the drilling ceased, the infant cry resumed. Evidently he was shifted
on the same level with my bed. But this was a sweet prelude. From the
same epicenter, right after midnight till three in the morning, the
water began running like Niagara Falls. Every night!
I tolerated the previous
noises but this Chinese torture was unbearable.
After placing a number
of furious calls to my Super, I grew restless. I imagined the water
was running for a reason, such as an urgency of washing the baby diapers.
Or the mother must be indulging herself in long showers... Out of humanity
I considered sending her a vibrator, anonymously, with an extra pack
of batteries along with disposable diapers to end this misery. Before
I placed the order, my loyal doorman whispered into my ear that the
father of the crying child had a back pain problem.
That's all? This old
Whale was having a back pain problem and I had to stay up all night
listening to the waterfalls?? Every night I had to endure his swimming
sessions that gradually became longer.
I composed a complaint
against the Whale to the Board of Directors, claiming that the frequent
chest pains I suffered were caused by my sleepless nights, based on
the running water. The Management assured me they would investigate
this matter and get back to me.
A month later I received
a phone call from my landlady urging me to contact her. On the phone
she advised me to be watchful. I couldn't believe the Board behaved
like mafia, sending threats to a shareholder. I was a member of their
family for five years and they didn't bother to confront me directly.
This is what I obtained
from my landlady.
Dear Ms. Jane Doe,
Please be advised that the Management has been notified by your subtenant
complaint regarding continuous running water late at night.
As a result of limitations,
and to preserve the unit owner's health, along with a unit owner's right
to enjoy a bath at their leisure, the Board has determined the compromise
put forth which allows for a bath three times per week. We hope your
tenant will find this matter acceptable.
Very Truly Yours,
Five people signed
the letter. I was intrigued by the names especially one of them listed
under apartment 12L. This was the mother of the crying child and the
wife of the Whale. Also the Head of the Board!
Now the picture was
crystal clear.
Regardless of the letter,
the Whale continued his sessions.
Adding another nuisance,
the apartment 13N was eventually taken by a middle-aged woman that
looked more like a Neanderthal in tights and a leather jacket. Every
morning this evolved Baboon would jingle with loads of keys locking
and unlocking her numerous latches paying her ritual visits to the garbage
chute.
Waiting for the Whale
to finish his splashes at 3 a.m. only to be disturbed by the jingling
Monkey at 6 a.m., did the trick. Suddenly I was missing the clapping
Seal and the Wall Street Porn star! At least they were quiet in the
morning and dead silent on weekends. I lost my beauty sleep for good.
Every weekend the restless baboon would get up at sunrise and jingle
like a warden of a jail.
But a miracle happened
on the thirteenth floor. The Middle East crisis now peacefully ended.
First the yappy princess left the building followed by the bastard dog.
There was no barking any more but I didn't care.
More good news reached
my ears. The newly engaged rowdy Elephant from 14M took off with the
circus! In earlier times I would be jumping for joy, but not today.
Being trapped in between Scylla and Charibda, in my setting —
Whale and the Monkey, I'm ready to flee the Zoo.
If anyone knows a quiet
little place with sympathetic neighbors, please drop me a note.
Lucifer-the-Cat from 13M.
July 11, 2004